when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
