I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
