its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
