I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
