I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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