I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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