and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
A+ Viking dick
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