"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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