I'm eating all of the evidence.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
