Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
