pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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