I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
