Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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