Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
