please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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