I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
