he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
