I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
