I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
