I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
