I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
