I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Randomize
