you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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