I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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