I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
