how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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