so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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