I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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