Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
