When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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