I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
