if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
