Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
