dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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