My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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