am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
