Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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