My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Can you bring me the toilet please
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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