it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
