Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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