Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
