I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
