Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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