the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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