Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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