Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
