He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
well you can't waste a boner
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
