My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
