So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So much rum. So many feels.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
