You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I hate all girls vehemently.
smell my finger.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
